Four months ago, Dad found out that he had Cardiomyopathy. His heart was sick, probably due to genetics. This disease process also tends to bring about another disease process called Congestive Heart Failure. That was slapped onto his chart beside the first diagnosis and the process of education and limited treatment was started. These disease processes do not get better. The prediction by doctors was that Dad would, with medication, improve and be able to lead a somewhat normal life, just limited by his level of energy as his disease progressed. About a month after his diagnosis, he collapsed at the church building one Wednesday night as we all gathered together to eat. At that time, he was transferred to Nashville and under went procedures and treatment for heart rhythm problems. He was able to be discharged, but unfortunately has very quickly deteriorated since that time. Dad is now in the ICU at St. Thomas West waiting for a new heart. His old one is basically not functioning. Mom stays in Paducah to work through the week and goes to Nashville on the weekend. Others of us are taking turns sitting with dad when mom can't be there. This is life right now. Waiting for the daily, and sometimes hourly, update on how Dad is doing and "what the doctor has said today..." Dad sits in a small room totally dependent on his people, just waiting.
2 weeks. Yesterday, the doctor told dad that his prognosis was about 2 weeks. That's 2 weeks to live. The medication that has been prolonging his life is set at it's highest dose. Dad's options: 1) a new heart and 2) a heart-mate (a device to replace the non-functioning part of his heart that will help temporarily until a heart is available). Dad has said since day 1 that he will never get a heart-mate. Complications are scary and risk of infection is high. Quality of life questioned. We are trying to get him to reconsider his position, but also understand his hesitation and don't want to take away his freedom of choice. Our hope, Dad's hope, has been pretty bipolar. Some days soaring high and we are upbeat. Some days so low, barely visible. Yesterday, for dad, it was almost gone. 2 weeks to choose life or death. Both things laden with fear. As his family; we encourage him, sit with him, cry with him, listen to him. We tell him how hopeful things really are. We text him fun pictures of the grand kids to make him smile and tell funny jokes to lighten the mood. Our church family never runs out of energy with prayers and offers to help in any way. Love. Cherish. Spiritual family.
There are times in my life when I can identify immediately when the Spirit of God is working. Not always. In fact, less often than not. Sometimes it's harder to discern. Today there was one of those smack you in the face,undeniable, no discernment needed, living, breathing, sharper than a two edged sword, Spirit-filled moment. I got a text from my brother (he's with dad right now) that the Dr. came in this morning and told Dad that he has moved to #1 on the highest list in this region available for a heart transplant. That means he's next! IF the next heart matches (that's a big IF),it's his!!! That's not the Spirit part, keep reading. I was leaving our driveway to take the kids to school when I got the text and teared up. HOPE. We see it, feel it. Huge smile! I turned around in the car (don't worry I stopped the car), and told my kids that O'Pa gets to have the next heart that becomes available! My kids know what this means. We have been very honest with them about their granddads heart and what we are hoping for. They were so excited! We all were. Then it happened. Here's the Spirit part:) I heard a tiny voice from the back seat.
"I sing praises to your name, O Lord. Praises to your name, O Lord. For your name is great, and greatly to be praised."
It was Corban. That sweet, compassionate, strong-willed, persistent little boy who frequently reminds us of the Spirits presence, was singing praises. He didn't stop.
"I give Glory to your name, O Lord. Glory to your name, O Lord. For your name is great, and greatly to be praised."
I couldn't help it. I couldn't hold back the tears. There is was. The Spirits work. Out of the mouth of babes, friends. We have hope. And we give praise to our God and His great name for his Faithful presence. That is what I am grateful for today. Faithful presence which gives hope. Dad may not get a heart in 2 weeks. I don't know what the future holds for him, for our family. I want him to get a new heart and be a live in the best,most awesome present way possible. I also want him to know that even if he suffers and stares death in the face; the Lord will be present, faithfully. In life, in death, and all the spaces in between.
Come Lord Jesus.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Advent this Sunday - JOY
This is a time for singing,
for standing tall
and singing loud.
This is a time for smiling,
laughter welling up
from deep in our souls.
So we will sing.
We will smile.
And we will remember
that life is good
and worthy of celebration!
Hope and peace are already ours;
we carry them with us
as we move into the day.
For today
this Advent Sunday
is a day for joy.
Why?
Because he comes!
The One who heals the sick,
restores our vision,
tends the lame,
shelters the lost . . .
He comes!
In the midst of our grief,
our exhaustion,
our disillusionment,
Into our fear,
our confusion,
even our despair . . .
he still comes.
So sing!
With your whole heart, soul,
mind and strength.
Join Mother Mary
and rejoice
in the unexpected,
upside down,
cattywampus
ways of the wandering rabbi,
the one who brings down thrones,
and lifts up the lowly.
The one who upsets expectations,
calls out deception,
feeds the hungry,
upsets the apple cart,
blesses the children,
knows our weakness,
and calls us by name.
Hallelujah! Amen.
for standing tall
and singing loud.
This is a time for smiling,
laughter welling up
from deep in our souls.
So we will sing.
We will smile.
And we will remember
that life is good
and worthy of celebration!
Hope and peace are already ours;
we carry them with us
as we move into the day.
For today
this Advent Sunday
is a day for joy.
Why?
Because he comes!
The One who heals the sick,
restores our vision,
tends the lame,
shelters the lost . . .
He comes!
In the midst of our grief,
our exhaustion,
our disillusionment,
Into our fear,
our confusion,
even our despair . . .
he still comes.
So sing!
With your whole heart, soul,
mind and strength.
Join Mother Mary
and rejoice
in the unexpected,
upside down,
cattywampus
ways of the wandering rabbi,
the one who brings down thrones,
and lifts up the lowly.
The one who upsets expectations,
calls out deception,
feeds the hungry,
upsets the apple cart,
blesses the children,
knows our weakness,
and calls us by name.
Hallelujah! Amen.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
If I were to present a communion thought....
If I were to present a communion thought.....
I would describe this one time when Mark and I visited an Episcopal church in Paducah for the first time with our kids . I would tell how different their worship service was from the typical worship services Mark and I grew up participating in. I would also mention how my children seemed to be the only children in the congregation that morning. Their voices were echoing throughout the sanctuary like the little stinkers each had their own personal microphone. The acoustics in that beautiful church was so freaking awesome and my kids took full advantage of this with their 'secret microphones.' Not our best worship behavior. The worship service included several songs(more like chants), congregational scripture readings, more songs, blessings to one another, a children's sermon smack dab in the middle of the service, an adult sermon and communion (the Eucharist).
As I continue my communion thought....
I would spend a few minutes talking about how this church went about the Eucharist. Each of us got in a single file line and walked up to the front of the sanctuary. There were two benches where people were to kneel. Someone in a robe was then to hand you a broken piece of bread and would dip it in some whine before putting into each of our mouths. I looked down at each of the members of my family who assumed the same position I did. On my knees, looking up, hands cupped together. Unprotected,vulnerable, empty. Ready to receive. I looked down and see my 6 year old son, 3 year old son, and 1 1/2 year old toddler in the same vulnerable positions. We received Christ's body broken, and the cup of salvation and hope. We raised up to our feet and walked back to our seats. Ever since that experience, I never participate in the Lord's Supper without thinking of that morning. That vulnerable, exposed position as I looked up to receive this gift of life and hope. What is it about this position that was so....well, frankly a little humiliating. After all, I can get the cracker myself. I can drink from a cup myself. I can sit in a pew and pass the tray down. I can think stuff in my own head while I do that. I was comfortable and familiar with that process. But, there was something about physically kneeling down, just like a child, with my hands open ready to receive. With those physical motions, something clicked mentally. I guess it is because I have to admit that I am powerless, I don't have all the right answers, I can't just pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and I may even be needy and hungry. Maybe. At this point, all I have to do is sit, receive and say thank you.
So I would conclude my communion thoughts with this...
Let's try something new today. Let's all (if you are able), get down on our knees as we commune together. As you are handed this gift of love and grace at Jesus's table, just say Thank you. Grace and peace to you as we all receive together Christ's body broken for us and his blood, the cup of salvation. Humiliated, exposed, unprotected, empty. Hungry.
I would describe this one time when Mark and I visited an Episcopal church in Paducah for the first time with our kids . I would tell how different their worship service was from the typical worship services Mark and I grew up participating in. I would also mention how my children seemed to be the only children in the congregation that morning. Their voices were echoing throughout the sanctuary like the little stinkers each had their own personal microphone. The acoustics in that beautiful church was so freaking awesome and my kids took full advantage of this with their 'secret microphones.' Not our best worship behavior. The worship service included several songs(more like chants), congregational scripture readings, more songs, blessings to one another, a children's sermon smack dab in the middle of the service, an adult sermon and communion (the Eucharist).
As I continue my communion thought....
I would spend a few minutes talking about how this church went about the Eucharist. Each of us got in a single file line and walked up to the front of the sanctuary. There were two benches where people were to kneel. Someone in a robe was then to hand you a broken piece of bread and would dip it in some whine before putting into each of our mouths. I looked down at each of the members of my family who assumed the same position I did. On my knees, looking up, hands cupped together. Unprotected,vulnerable, empty. Ready to receive. I looked down and see my 6 year old son, 3 year old son, and 1 1/2 year old toddler in the same vulnerable positions. We received Christ's body broken, and the cup of salvation and hope. We raised up to our feet and walked back to our seats. Ever since that experience, I never participate in the Lord's Supper without thinking of that morning. That vulnerable, exposed position as I looked up to receive this gift of life and hope. What is it about this position that was so....well, frankly a little humiliating. After all, I can get the cracker myself. I can drink from a cup myself. I can sit in a pew and pass the tray down. I can think stuff in my own head while I do that. I was comfortable and familiar with that process. But, there was something about physically kneeling down, just like a child, with my hands open ready to receive. With those physical motions, something clicked mentally. I guess it is because I have to admit that I am powerless, I don't have all the right answers, I can't just pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and I may even be needy and hungry. Maybe. At this point, all I have to do is sit, receive and say thank you.
So I would conclude my communion thoughts with this...
Let's try something new today. Let's all (if you are able), get down on our knees as we commune together. As you are handed this gift of love and grace at Jesus's table, just say Thank you. Grace and peace to you as we all receive together Christ's body broken for us and his blood, the cup of salvation. Humiliated, exposed, unprotected, empty. Hungry.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Eden is 2!
I am little behind on this post but better late than never!
Our sweet girl is 2 years old! We are so excited and love this little girls personality so much! Talking up a storm and is such a mamas girl. She is a sweet, snuggly, egg loving little girl!
Our sweet girl is 2 years old! We are so excited and love this little girls personality so much! Talking up a storm and is such a mamas girl. She is a sweet, snuggly, egg loving little girl!
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
October starts in a GREAT way!
We made a trip back to Tullahoma last weekend:) One of my good friends there had decided to be baptized. I studied the book of Mark with Tawna for about a year and she texted me a few weeks ago and said she decided to be baptized and wanted me to be there! This was of course the best news EVER and so the whole family decided to make the trip. Andrea A., Kathy B, Corynn and I were all able to get in the water with her as Steven baptized her! This was such a special moment.
Tawna is so special to me. One, because she is the first person I studied with who decided to become a disciple, and two, she has become such a good friend to me, and my family. I admire her so much. Perseverance is one of the first words that comes to mind when I think of her. She has not had a easy road in life and still, she persists, she pushes on. Her heart is tender toward God and she is fiercely protective of those she loves. Her smile is so contagious, even though she covers it up with her hands for fear someone might be looking. She is a great listener and seems to always see the best in people. God has done so much through her already and he is going to do even more amazing things as she matures as His disciple!
We stayed with the Abrahams clan. It did our hearts so much good to be with them and to see our church family in Tullahoma! I was sure to take a few pictures:)
We just chilled most of the day Saturday! We had fall crafts, book reading, coffee drinking, and yummy food! Sorry about your eyes being shut in one of the pics Andi:( Eden looks thrilled in that last pictures doesn't she?:)
Tawna is so special to me. One, because she is the first person I studied with who decided to become a disciple, and two, she has become such a good friend to me, and my family. I admire her so much. Perseverance is one of the first words that comes to mind when I think of her. She has not had a easy road in life and still, she persists, she pushes on. Her heart is tender toward God and she is fiercely protective of those she loves. Her smile is so contagious, even though she covers it up with her hands for fear someone might be looking. She is a great listener and seems to always see the best in people. God has done so much through her already and he is going to do even more amazing things as she matures as His disciple!
We stayed with the Abrahams clan. It did our hearts so much good to be with them and to see our church family in Tullahoma! I was sure to take a few pictures:)
We just chilled most of the day Saturday! We had fall crafts, book reading, coffee drinking, and yummy food! Sorry about your eyes being shut in one of the pics Andi:( Eden looks thrilled in that last pictures doesn't she?:)
Thursday, September 24, 2015
new things
Transition. It's a strange thing. Negativity and positivity seem to come in giant waves for us. We have lot of happy, fun times with family and riding horses. We love going to cousins soccer and T-ball games! Family dinners and FREE babysitting!!!!! We also have lots of sad times where we miss our Tullahoma peeps and all the things that seem 'normal' to our family. Even simple things like letting my kids go outside by themselves without feeling insecure about their safety. I miss going to the park with friends when all of our kids got out of school at the same time. We go by ourselves now. I won't make this a 'why I miss Tullahoma' sob story, I promise! It's been a while since I wrote a blog post. I wanted to give myself time to process this change we have made. I have found that during a time of transition I become some what, well, emotionally unstable. I tend to draw into an introvert shell and become a little ugly at times when I shouldn't be. Is that normal? We are still going through a time of transition, and I think we will for a while longer on different levels. While I kinda wish we were over it, I am gonna just be ok with that and let things happen as they will. Being a control freak and worrier won't help...I don't think.
We are living in a rental house. We have been looking at plans to build a house very soon! We live about 20min from Aaron and Corban's school (which is different from the 7 min we drove in Tullahoma!) The first few weeks of school were rough on everyone. I'm not gonna lie, there were tears on everyone's part. Aaron asked everyday for 2 weeks if we could move back to Tullahoma and Corban had to be peeeled off of me (screaming bloody murder!) when I left him at school. This mama had several days of driving 20 min back home in tears. Poor Mark got several phone calls with me in a very unstable emotional state. bless. Now, both boys seem to be adjusting to their new schools, and our routine is becoming normal for them. Eden has started at Corban's school one day a week, and I go to volunteer at Aaron's school on that day. This is one of my favorite parts of my week! He beems with pride when I walk through the door and we eat lunch together before I leave. He is sweet, adorable, and just a down right smart little boy! His teacher at school was Mark's 4th grade teacher, and he thought that was AMAZING! Our families have been so great to love on us. Having them so close is such a daily blessing, for our kids especially being able to play with cousins more and see grandparents so much more often.
We are still visiting churches. We have enjoyed visiting all different churches around here. We enjoy seeing all the differences in how people worship. No place we call home, yet. I think this is the hardest for me. In Tullahoma, we had such deep relationships with our church family and that has been the hardest part of this transition for me. I hate to use the word lonely to describe how I feel. How could I feel lonely? Most of my family and Mark's family lives here, 5 min from our house! We are psycho busy with kids schedules and daily life stuff. Still, lonely. For friends. The void is real and I feel sad. This was a huge fear I had moving and so I am not surprised I feel this way. I just didn't know what God had in store for me when it came to filling that void. BAM! He did. Or at least he has started to:) A concrete example of God's faithfulness people, here it is....A sweet lady named Shirley. I first met her in a Wednesday night bible class she came to at Melber church. I was teaching for my mom that night. It was announced that her birthday was that week. I am gonna go ahead and call it the Spirit that got me to get up to go talk to Shirley and invite her out to lunch for her birthday. Her words exactly were "I am just sitting at home by myself, so I would love to go out!" We had a nice lunch at Applebees in Mayfield. I found out that Shirley and I are really nothing a like. ha! We come from completely different worlds. We are not the same race. She doesn't like the outdoors. She is a single mom to the most beautiful, sweet, little girl. Last month she and her daughter were homeless. When we got in the car, Shirley looked at me and thanked me for taking her out and proceeded to tell me that she didn't have any friends here and was so glad to finally have a friend! The Spirit moved, ya'll! I felt it. I saw it. In that moment I KNEW why I went to Shirley's table that night to talk to her. Like me, Shirley is lonely. She just moved to Paducah and was helped to find a home by a program in Melber supported by the church. She lives one mile from my house. I just love how God works. I love that He has taken two of the most unlikely people to be friends and put them together to fill a void. I am so thankful for Shirley. God is faithful and I see it, concretely!
Here are some cute pictures of my kiddos right now....enjoy and maybe I will update the blog a little more often:)
We are living in a rental house. We have been looking at plans to build a house very soon! We live about 20min from Aaron and Corban's school (which is different from the 7 min we drove in Tullahoma!) The first few weeks of school were rough on everyone. I'm not gonna lie, there were tears on everyone's part. Aaron asked everyday for 2 weeks if we could move back to Tullahoma and Corban had to be peeeled off of me (screaming bloody murder!) when I left him at school. This mama had several days of driving 20 min back home in tears. Poor Mark got several phone calls with me in a very unstable emotional state. bless. Now, both boys seem to be adjusting to their new schools, and our routine is becoming normal for them. Eden has started at Corban's school one day a week, and I go to volunteer at Aaron's school on that day. This is one of my favorite parts of my week! He beems with pride when I walk through the door and we eat lunch together before I leave. He is sweet, adorable, and just a down right smart little boy! His teacher at school was Mark's 4th grade teacher, and he thought that was AMAZING! Our families have been so great to love on us. Having them so close is such a daily blessing, for our kids especially being able to play with cousins more and see grandparents so much more often.
We are still visiting churches. We have enjoyed visiting all different churches around here. We enjoy seeing all the differences in how people worship. No place we call home, yet. I think this is the hardest for me. In Tullahoma, we had such deep relationships with our church family and that has been the hardest part of this transition for me. I hate to use the word lonely to describe how I feel. How could I feel lonely? Most of my family and Mark's family lives here, 5 min from our house! We are psycho busy with kids schedules and daily life stuff. Still, lonely. For friends. The void is real and I feel sad. This was a huge fear I had moving and so I am not surprised I feel this way. I just didn't know what God had in store for me when it came to filling that void. BAM! He did. Or at least he has started to:) A concrete example of God's faithfulness people, here it is....A sweet lady named Shirley. I first met her in a Wednesday night bible class she came to at Melber church. I was teaching for my mom that night. It was announced that her birthday was that week. I am gonna go ahead and call it the Spirit that got me to get up to go talk to Shirley and invite her out to lunch for her birthday. Her words exactly were "I am just sitting at home by myself, so I would love to go out!" We had a nice lunch at Applebees in Mayfield. I found out that Shirley and I are really nothing a like. ha! We come from completely different worlds. We are not the same race. She doesn't like the outdoors. She is a single mom to the most beautiful, sweet, little girl. Last month she and her daughter were homeless. When we got in the car, Shirley looked at me and thanked me for taking her out and proceeded to tell me that she didn't have any friends here and was so glad to finally have a friend! The Spirit moved, ya'll! I felt it. I saw it. In that moment I KNEW why I went to Shirley's table that night to talk to her. Like me, Shirley is lonely. She just moved to Paducah and was helped to find a home by a program in Melber supported by the church. She lives one mile from my house. I just love how God works. I love that He has taken two of the most unlikely people to be friends and put them together to fill a void. I am so thankful for Shirley. God is faithful and I see it, concretely!
Here are some cute pictures of my kiddos right now....enjoy and maybe I will update the blog a little more often:)
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Big changes are coming
It has taken me a long time to write this particular post. Every time I would try and write something I would just sit and stare at the computer screen. Eventually, I just closed the computer and put it aside for another time. Tonite, I have found time and possibly the energy to go ahead and write about our upcoming change as a family.
For my entire married life, Mark and I have always said we wanted to live in Melber, Ky. Both of our families live there. An entire farm waits for us and counts on our arrival to carry on Adams Horses. Once we got married, we knew that staying in Melber wasn't our immediate plan because Mark didn't have a job there and I wanted to finish school. So the decision was made, after a job interview for us to move to Tullahoma, TN. I remember the drive to that little town 11 miles off I24. I remember so many different feelings I had then. Mostly, I remember Mark and I telling pretty much everyone we met in Tullahoma that we were only here for a short time and then we planned to move to Kentucky as soon as Mark could find a job. We took a trip back to Melber about every chance we got. Weekends, holidays, special events. I am pretty sure for the first 3 years we just pretended to live in Tullahoma. Our hearts were in Kentucky. But, we did start a few relationships in Tullahoma. Steve and Margaret Bills. Greg and Andrea Muse. Then a few years later Joel and Andrea Abrahams. Ed and Corynn Moyers, Greg and Megan McKinzie. Before I had even realized it 5 years had gone by and my relationships in Tullahoma had deepened. Now, 11 years later, there are too many names, people, to even write down that we love in this little T-town as the locals call it. I had all 3 of my children in Tullahoma. We bought our first house here. Our best friends live here. We are so blessed with our church family here.
Last month I went on my last Cedar Lane ladies retreat. As we worshiped together on the last evening, I looked around and couldn't help but sit and let tears just fall from my eyes. I hadn't even realized it, but over the past 11 years, these women had become so important to me. The love I have for them has grown into something I never expected. They loved me, matured me, supported me through some of the most important years of my life. One of the many lessons I am learning these days is that we serve a faithful God. When Mark and I were worried about moving away from family and into a town where we knew no one, God was faithful. We found family. A spiritual family who loved us through the beginning of our life together as a married couple, through the birth of each of our children, through deaths of grandparents, in our day to day life joys and struggles. God was faithful then...and He will be faithful now.
In 2 weeks we will be packing up all of our things and moving to Melber, Kentucky. Mark and I are beyond excited. Our kids are getting excited. Our family in Melber is, I think, the most excited of all of us:) I feel so blessed be able to have the opportunity to raise my children around their grandparents, great-grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins. It's something I never had growing up and wish I had. It's what we both want. It's what we have always expected we would do. But one thing we didn't expect to happen....we will be leaving a very large part of our hearts in Tullahoma, Tn. We did not expect to feel so heartbroken to leave this place we have called home for 11 years and the only place our children know as their home. Those same fears of moving away from 'home' are now upon me once again. This time, they are fears and anxiety about leaving the very place I was scared to come to. I seem to have a never ending list of questions I am asking God these days. I don't consider myself an extremely dramatic or over emotional person normally...but I am definitely all over the place right now. I think most days I could contribute some Psalms of my own to the bible with all of my emotions swaying back and forth. One thing I am trying to constantly tell myself over and over again is that no matter what my fears, anxieties, or expectations of this move...God is faithful. And I must be faithful to his mission no matter where I live. It's so easy to stay where things are comfortable. I like comfortable, predictable, normal. But God did not call us to be comfortable. As a disciple of Christ, I will trust God and not my level of comfort or anxiety. I will not choose my comfort over mission. This move must be first a Kingdom move. What does it look like to further his Kingdom in this super small town that holds both history and future for our family? I know it will be shown to us. God is faithful.
"If You Say Go." I have been singing it over and over again these past few weeks. And I think I will be singing it a lot over the next few months!
If You say go
We will go
If You say wait
We will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come
If You say go
We will go
If You say wait
We will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come
Your ways
Are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You
If You say go
We will go
If You say wait
We will wait
For my entire married life, Mark and I have always said we wanted to live in Melber, Ky. Both of our families live there. An entire farm waits for us and counts on our arrival to carry on Adams Horses. Once we got married, we knew that staying in Melber wasn't our immediate plan because Mark didn't have a job there and I wanted to finish school. So the decision was made, after a job interview for us to move to Tullahoma, TN. I remember the drive to that little town 11 miles off I24. I remember so many different feelings I had then. Mostly, I remember Mark and I telling pretty much everyone we met in Tullahoma that we were only here for a short time and then we planned to move to Kentucky as soon as Mark could find a job. We took a trip back to Melber about every chance we got. Weekends, holidays, special events. I am pretty sure for the first 3 years we just pretended to live in Tullahoma. Our hearts were in Kentucky. But, we did start a few relationships in Tullahoma. Steve and Margaret Bills. Greg and Andrea Muse. Then a few years later Joel and Andrea Abrahams. Ed and Corynn Moyers, Greg and Megan McKinzie. Before I had even realized it 5 years had gone by and my relationships in Tullahoma had deepened. Now, 11 years later, there are too many names, people, to even write down that we love in this little T-town as the locals call it. I had all 3 of my children in Tullahoma. We bought our first house here. Our best friends live here. We are so blessed with our church family here.
Last month I went on my last Cedar Lane ladies retreat. As we worshiped together on the last evening, I looked around and couldn't help but sit and let tears just fall from my eyes. I hadn't even realized it, but over the past 11 years, these women had become so important to me. The love I have for them has grown into something I never expected. They loved me, matured me, supported me through some of the most important years of my life. One of the many lessons I am learning these days is that we serve a faithful God. When Mark and I were worried about moving away from family and into a town where we knew no one, God was faithful. We found family. A spiritual family who loved us through the beginning of our life together as a married couple, through the birth of each of our children, through deaths of grandparents, in our day to day life joys and struggles. God was faithful then...and He will be faithful now.
In 2 weeks we will be packing up all of our things and moving to Melber, Kentucky. Mark and I are beyond excited. Our kids are getting excited. Our family in Melber is, I think, the most excited of all of us:) I feel so blessed be able to have the opportunity to raise my children around their grandparents, great-grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins. It's something I never had growing up and wish I had. It's what we both want. It's what we have always expected we would do. But one thing we didn't expect to happen....we will be leaving a very large part of our hearts in Tullahoma, Tn. We did not expect to feel so heartbroken to leave this place we have called home for 11 years and the only place our children know as their home. Those same fears of moving away from 'home' are now upon me once again. This time, they are fears and anxiety about leaving the very place I was scared to come to. I seem to have a never ending list of questions I am asking God these days. I don't consider myself an extremely dramatic or over emotional person normally...but I am definitely all over the place right now. I think most days I could contribute some Psalms of my own to the bible with all of my emotions swaying back and forth. One thing I am trying to constantly tell myself over and over again is that no matter what my fears, anxieties, or expectations of this move...God is faithful. And I must be faithful to his mission no matter where I live. It's so easy to stay where things are comfortable. I like comfortable, predictable, normal. But God did not call us to be comfortable. As a disciple of Christ, I will trust God and not my level of comfort or anxiety. I will not choose my comfort over mission. This move must be first a Kingdom move. What does it look like to further his Kingdom in this super small town that holds both history and future for our family? I know it will be shown to us. God is faithful.
"If You Say Go." I have been singing it over and over again these past few weeks. And I think I will be singing it a lot over the next few months!
If You say go
We will go
If You say wait
We will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come
If You say go
We will go
If You say wait
We will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come
Your ways
Are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You
If You say go
We will go
If You say wait
We will wait
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