Teach me Lord

So this is another reflection post:) Over the past few months I have literally been studying like crazy. God has also been putting people in my life who have been challenging me to get outside my comfort zone in ministry. I welcome it, really I do. I am excited and energized by new ideas and new people I meet all the time. I also find myself struggling with confidence. I am almost tempted to run the other way sometimes.
I am very thankful for my parents and their strong influence throughout my entire childhood to be about God's mission. Ministry is something we took very seriously and I believe that is where I got my zeal and drive to learn and challenge myself to know God better so I can share him with everyone. Now that I am more grown up, I have learned how to better use the gifts God has given me (and identify them better). I have struggled with confidence pretty much as long as I can remember, and while I have improved significantly in this area, it still brings its ugly self up sometimes.
I am getting ready to teach a class on Wednesday nights. I have been preparing and thinking about this class for over 6 months now. Up until now, I have been nothing but excited and very vocal to people about how awesome this study is and inviting people to come on this journey with me. Now that it is here...I am getting pretty anxious. That stupid lack of confidence is creeping its way into my head. "What if you do a sucky job, Diane?" "What if you have promoted this class too much and it's a HUGE disappointment to the people you have formed relationships with and have invited who DON'T even know Jesus.?" "You don't have very much experience teaching, other women do (or men for that matter)..let them do it." All these questions/statements and MANY more flood my thoughts and cause me to doubt. WHY!!! Seriously, why can't I just let things be. And it doesn't stop there....I even start questioning what I feel like God is calling me to do. Why would I feel such a strong call by God and feel so insecure at the same time? Why would God want to use me to do this particular thing or have these certain relationships when there is a perfectly capable (and well trained I might add) person to do it...better than me...or at least not mess it up like I would? Even more, why can't I keep those stupid thoughts OUT of my head!!!!
This afternoon my wonderful husband asked if I would lead the discussion for small group tonite. "Sure." "Ask the girl who talks too much and cries about everything right now." Not only do I start questioning myself, but now I have to lead a discussion in front of my husband who in my opinion is MUCH more intelligent than I am, and doesn't fumble over his words to get his point across. "sure honey." I started looking at the material. It's on confession. Oh good. Now I can confess to everyone and blubber through my talk. Great. Another way to show my insecurities.

STOP.

I spent some time in prayer after Mark and I talked. I read over the material and prayed some more. Instead of letting myself feel pressure to be EVERYTHING to everyone I decided to just STOP. Spending time emptying myself of all that stupid stuff that gets in my head and letting God fill me with his Spirit I was able to at least hear something other than Satan. Here is the direction I want to head:

God is not calling me because I am fluent with my words. God is not calling me because of my level of confidence. He is calling me because He is confident in me to show others who HE is and what he is about in this world. God isn't using me because I am perfect or even close. I think about His story in scripture. God isn't about using those who have it all together. He uses the broken. He uses the imperfect. I realize that those thoughts that flood my brain are too much about ME and not enough about HIM. Let God do his thing. He is good at it.

So my prayer today is for God to give me confidence. Not in my own abilities, but in His. He chose to put a fire in my that is just getting stronger and stronger every day. I need to trust that. I want His ways to be my ways and I want to get all of those thoughts that produce doubt OUT of my head. I pray for all of this pressure to be released and have peace. I want people to see me living Jesus and not just talking about him. I'm working on it...God's working on me!