Convicted

Today I am convicted. Deeply convicted.

For the past 4 or 5 years I have had what I call a growth spurt, spiritually. Growing up, I was taught that everyone has a gift that God gives them. My dad was a preacher so that his gift wasn't a secret...in my mind. My mom was and still is a gifted teacher. Both of them taught us to be servants always and give all that you can. There was never much of a focus on gifts though and actually I would say that I didn't understand the purpose of gifts. My parents pretty much made us the 'doers' of the church and so I just thought I had to do everything for everyone. That is what God expected. Still, I remembering trying to figure my gift out. I felt like I was 'good' and a lot of things. I cared a lot about people. I loved to talk to people and could get along very well with pretty much everyone. I struggled MAJORLY with confidence in my teen years and was too concentrated on not being seen to worry about what I might be gifted in, or even called to do for God's mission. I got married and moved to a small town in Tullahoma, Tn. My husband was much better intellectually and was an excellent student of the Bible. For sure I saw God's hand in my choice of a husband. He was just what I needed to help me be completely open to what God had in store for me. I graduated nursing school and we started attending a rather large church in town where we slowly started settling down and making friends. It is at this church that God has taught me what it means to be part of the body of Christ. I was encouraged by many to teach (including a huge shove from Mark) my first bible class and did my first 'public' speaking for a women's retreat in this church. From there I slowly learned what it is I believe God is calling me to do. I believe God has given me the gift of empowering women. I have realized over the past several years that a lot of women do not feel confident (as I did/still do) about their ability to study, lead, pray in public, and many other things that put them in the spot light in the worship/church atmosphere. Of course there are exceptions, but not many and there aren't hardly any who feel leadership from a woman alongside or over a man is acceptable. I feel a call to recognize that women have a voice and can be confident, knowledgeable, and leaders in the Kingdom of God. I know God doesn't call all women to lead publicly, but I know he has called some. I want to encourage women to be confident in whatever God has gifted them in, including public leadership roles. For me, empowerment has many forms like teaching class, helping women pray publicly or out loud in a small group, speaking at events(something that I enjoy but am definitely not as good as I want to be), studying with individuals and groups, and much more. Am I very mature in the development of my gift?...nope. I feel like I am just in the beginning stages. With the encouragement of my husband and several close friends, I am now willing to step out with confidence in my Lord to this thing that I know I have been called to do.

I am reading a book right now by Sara Barton that was recommended to me by a good friend. That is the motivation for this blog post. I was hooked by the end of the first paragraph, and have pretty much not stopped reading...well other than taking care of my kids:) This woman was raised in my same church of Christ tradition. This book is a testimony of what she believes God has gifted and called her to do for his mission in this world. She feels very strongly that she is gifted in preaching and teaching, and even more that God has called her for this purpose. That particular calling is extremely difficult because, well, in our tradition (for the most part) preaching and teaching (leadership-to men and women) is only for the men of the congregation. This is not an opinion for most people, it's 'truth.' That is a difficult calling to say the least. As I started to read this incredible woman's thoughts, beliefs, conflicts, successes, failures, and much more I found myself feeling happy, proud, justified, heard, and just plain excited. Her words resonated with me so deeply and before I knew it I had my (internal) boxing gloves on and was all but ready to stand up and fight for injustice that women have endured. I felt empowered and ready to express it! Then, I read the ninth chapter. I put away my boxing gloves. She shared her struggle about staying in a tradition that does not allow her to express what she believes is her gift from God. She talks about the difficulty in fully loving those who you disagree with at a very basic level. And she seems to be doing it much, much better than me. How do you worship and have relationships with those who do not allow you to express who God has made you to be in his Kingdom???? She says God answered many of her prayers with Cor 13 about love. Does it solve the gender issues in church? No. But, "love wins," she says. How? (This is convicting part for me) It doesn't envy men who are leaders or women who are content in their traditional roles. It doesn't give in to anger or record wrongs. It always perseveres, hopes, trusts.

After reading her words I was truly convicted. Does love automatically make issues that are hard to talk about go away? No. Does it mean we shouldn't discuss these issues or have a strong opinion about them? I don't think so. What I realized was that I was so worked up about women's rights and the injustice I see; I was so upset about seeing one more young man that was taught from the time he could speak about leading the church, while completely disregarding the young women; I was deeply hurt and saddened that one of my peers could not even pray in front of 3 or 4 close girl friends because of a lack of confidence and experience. I wanted to place the blame and point fingers. I have allowed all of those frustrations I have, while valid, to take control of my heart and mind. I was so focused on my own frustrations that I lost track of truly loving.

Sara's gift and my gift are not the same. But we do see the same injustice and have a lot of the same frustrations I think. I love her writing because I see myself in what she says. She is able to express a lot of my thoughts perfectly. (oh how I wish writing was a gift of mine:) How do I arrive at choosing love over envy and anger? I think it starts some where around trust that God through his spirit will teach me to love first. With God's help, I will choose to love every person as best I can. I will also fulfill his calling in my life as best I can. Not for me, but because I am a part of the Kingdom of God where love reigns first. Is that too simple? Maybe. But it's gonna be hard. But I have confidence that just as God brought me out of my struggle with confidence before, he will for sure do it again!